Kerry's Presidential Promises Panning Out by Alex

Dramatis Personae: John Kerry, Jacques Chirac, Scene: Oval Office,
> at the big desk. -------------- (The President picks up a telephone
> and calls Jacques Chirac, President of France)
>
> Kerry: Hey! Jacques! Say "Bonjour" to the new King of the World!!
>
> Chirac: Congratulations mon ami. You really kicked derierre!
>
> Kerry: Yeah, well, don't forget, I was born to be the President.
> I've known it since my days as a war hero, in the jungles of Viet
> Nam. It was a hot day on the swift boat, I had just finished saving
> the lives of 40...
>
> Chirac: Ahhh...oui. Well, Jean, what can I do for you?
>
> Kerry: Well, now it's time for me to show 'em how it's done. I'm
> going to use my charm and rapport skills to build a "true"
> coalition, consisting of all the people already in the coalition,
> ahh, the one's who didn't leave after I said they were bribed and
> coerced, and France and Germany. Once we add you two to our
> coalition, changing the number from 30 to 32, that will mean that
> America is no longer doing things unilaterally.
>
> Chirac: Your math skills are miraculous, my friend.
>
> Kerry: Thanks, Jacques. Your approval means a heck of a lot to me.
> More than you know. Well, listen, here's the deal. Right now 90% of
> the cost of the war is paid for by Americans and 90% of the
> casualties are American. So my idea is that you French join us, and
> supply, say, 30-35% of the cost, and, oh, I don't know, 40% of the
> casualties? That sound fair, Jacques, old pal?
>
> Chirac: Yes, I heard you say that during your first debate,
> complaining that the percentage of Americans to die is too high,
> implying that your allies weren't dying fast enough, right before
> you promised to build a true coalition. Your ability to see the big
> picture is also miraculous, Jean.
>
> Kerry: It's only logical. How else can the percent of American
> casualties go down? I told the American people that if they elected
> me, we wouldn't be the only ones dying. So we need more of our
> coalition partners to die, so their casualty percentage goes up.
> Then ours goes down. It's simple.
>
> Chirac: Yes, Jean, I agree. Your plan is oh-so-simple.
>
> Kerry: It's not my fault we're in the wrong war in the wrong place
> at the wrong time that was a colossal blunder to do in the first
> place. A war that's increasing the number of terrorists by the hour,
> that will make anyone fighting for our side a target for terrorists
> and unpopular with the whole world. So, how about it? What'll it
> take for the French to join us in our cause? Let's parlay.
>
> Chirac: Let me see if I understand you, Jean. You are asking the me,
> the President of *France*, to send *French* soldiers to fight in the
> wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time, one that is a
> colossal mistake, so that Americans won't be the only ones dying and
> paying. If we do this, we'll make lots of enemies, and probably have
> French civilians die in terror attacks, having made France a prime
> target. And for this honor, we'll pay 30% of 200 Billion dollar, or
> approximately $60 Billion USD?
>
> Kerry: Exactly. That's what I campaigned on, that's what I promised
> the American people, and that's what I'll deliver!
>
> (click)
>
> Kerry: Jacques? You there? Jacques?? Jacques? Hmmm. That didn't go
> quite as I thought it would. Usually my judgement in these matters
> in impeccable, unlike Bush, who thought that the French wouldn't
> join my coalition. His judgement is terrible. Maybe if I consented
> to sign onto the International Criminal Court? Then they could try
> Bush and Rumsfeld as war criminals. That would be great...... no,
> not time for that yet. Hey, you Carville, what's Gerhards number?
> Germans are logical. He'll understand my nuances for sure.
>
> (curtain)